If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I’m sorry fellas, you think our Cosmo is bad. Have you picked up Men’s Health? I love me some Women’s Health and occasionally like the tips from the Men’s Health mag, but the site makes me ROR.

Today’s top feature for WH –, “The Joy of Texting”…

For MH  – “Get her digits, up the incline, and avoid Visine”

I had no idea the mag was so vavavoom. I mean when I am looking for health news, my priority is not so much… 7 Signs She’s A Good Roll in the Hay. Eyemuffs fam - Coffee-ice-cream lovers—found to be dramatic, seductive, flirtatious—are most romantically compatible with strawberry fans.

I found a new daily inspiration site. Filed under, when keeping it real goes wrong.

"Never let me slip, 'cause if I slip then I'm slippin'."
- Dr. Dre, Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang

If someone came to me and said, "Don't let me get drunk tonight, because if I get drunk, then I'm going to be drunk..." My response would be, "Are you drunk?" 

Mikey Likes It – If I get the Tacky Camo wedding e-mail FWD again I could scream. Thankfully they have archived all of the classics on the TackyWedding site. Eat your heart out Jass. Going to the chapel of love cheap. 

This one could have been me. 

Ok look close at the pic below. 

Closer…. See that little paw in his nose? Lost in translation must mean Otter boogies? I am sure the Sun Maid gal is gonna be pissed when she see these. 

Cuz it's Friday batches!

If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots, then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

Indiana Jones and the Candy of Doom live to fight another day. We definitely had to go on some nice loooong walks last night to make sure the critter collection was successfully removed from the system.  

HEYYO!!! This weekend iz gonnaz be fun! 

Mikey Likes It – Well, isn’t Hilary Berseth just the bee’s knees. I personally am quite fond of the muse behind this sculpture, beekeepr Jim Bobb.  This is one sweet sculpture. 

Did I tell you this one here is coming to see me this weekend?! See how a flip-flop Floridian responds to this f-ugg-ly winter.  Guess what he’s not wearing! This little number. Sweet little douche-o ball hat. The hat might turn into a party, but the party will definitely turn from you. 

For giggles. Arec Bardwin!

Of course when they bring the maple syrup after the pancakes, it'll definitely be too late.

Today I have been followed by a little black rain cloud. It’s a joke that whenever Andy goes out of town, Indy always gets into something. Well Roo took a DAY trip, as in under 24 hours. I got to the gym as normal, but when I come home our precious little pup had gotten into a big mess.

The little turkey UNZIPPED my briefcase (mind you he had to push up a flap first) after getting it off the chair. He then unwrapped these gourmet chocolates. Sorry Lu, don’t look! 

I am pretty sure the caramel mouse was the first to come up this morning. I mean yes, it’s impressive because he doesn’t have thumbs, but I went from really angry to really upset because I was so afraid he’d get sick. Thanks to his winter weight though, he had some extra pounds to make sure not all the chocolate was absorbed. That whole ounces to pounds thing. When the vet asked what kind did he have - I was able to say a nice assortment of milk, white and dark chocolates. 

In social situations where you’re being rubbed the wrong way, it is fine to leave with no excuse. Life is too short to put up with assholes in your free time. Feel offended? Get your coat. There will be no polite nodding coming from your direction, there will only be your overturned chair and your speedy departure. What will they think if you bounce? They’ll probably think you don’t want to be their friend, which you don’t, so mission accomplished.

Today remind yourself: My comfort is paramount. Peace! 

And can I also say - if you don’t tell somebody something, guess what – it isn’t going to get fixed. 

Mikey Likes It – I vant a one!!   

For all you crazy Lord of the Rings fans, I am sure you could find an interesting drinking game with this. Gimli that!

We Are All Popularity Whores

Things I learned this weekend:

Deicing isn't normal. I'd show you pics but I was too afraid to move. It was like The Abyss meets War of the Worlds. I am on the wing thinking - they totally missed a spot!

45 is a heat wave, really.

Frozen yogurt doesn't count as the real Yoplait stuff, even if it is fat free.

It's not polite to go through a baby store and say "I want one like that."

The rattle and teething aisle at Babies r Us is identical to the chew toy and treat aisle at Pets Mart.

Pregnancy is a lot more messed up than you even want to know.

Baby showers scare men.

In the South you can say "yes m'am" without the woman going "how old do you think I am?"

Landing in a snowstorm is OK, until the two grown men sitting next to you say "oh hell no" when the plane wobbles on touchdown.

I hold the record for suckiest travel experiences.

My friend's babies are going to be beautiful and overloved.

For the Oscars – Jackman (applause) and Jennifer Anniston trying to look comfortable made me feel super awkward. And did she keep looking over at them? 

Mikey Likes It – (cough) 

Baby come back. 

I’ll give you Revolutionary Rolls Ms Bradshaw, but come on!

Expect the best, be prepared for the worst - screw what others think

Somebody drove to work and got a little a lot little emotional. Just go with it, there is a lot going on in this little world right now. Apologies to the trucker on m14 for my driving and crying to Kayne West, yes that’s right. I rap and cry now. 

For those worried. 

How Indy sees himself. 

I don’t endorse R Kelly greeting cards, but I do get a tickle out of them. 

Mikey Likes It – Yo really quiero uno flotadores

piglet: how do you spell love? winnie the pooh: you don’t spell it. you feel it.

I have forgotten that my pregnant friends will eventually give birth. When scheduling plans -"I'd love to but I will prob have a four day old by then." Me: "yea, I mean totally bring the baby." (Awkward) 

Hey I'm trying to accept it, I am watching all the post Miranda baby episodes on SATC. 

You know who should have been charged in the Phelps case? That a**hat who took the pic. Banish'd! 

Dearest ARod, sure there is good chance you'll get into the Hall of Fame, right after Pete Rose and Sosa. Baseball very very good to me. Hey, you still have great odds with your stripper friends. 

Mikey Likes It – If you want to hear some of Mikey’s music, then don’t go here. I mean it, you are totally going to regret going here. 

Trivia, Trivia, Trivia! Beetlejuice trivia is the jam y’all! Check it.

Even though Keaton plays the movie’s title character, Beetlejuice is only in 17.5 minutes of the whole film.

Double yea - Beetlejuice features our first-ever look at Jack Skellington, five years before Nightmare came out. He’s on the top of Beetlejuice’s carousel hat when he comes out during the seance.

Betelgeuse is a star in the constellation Orion - more specifically, it’s the star that represents his armpit. No coincidence, I’m sure.

Whatever makes you happy, Whatever you want, Youre so ** special, I wish I was special...

I’m feeling cute and I’m hopped up on conversation hearts.

100% Indy won’t be able to figure out what it is before PETA calls me. 

Happy Valentine’s Day! 

I love you more than your girlfriend does! – Nice one home-wrecker! Tell us..I Love You More Than… 

Smindsey…. Today remind yourself: Something is going right. 

Mikey Likes It –

I know, you are definitely thinking wonder how long that zebra can hold his breath. 

You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.

The wheels on the bus let you make stuff up, make stuff up, make stuff up… 

Is it just moi or is anyone else thinking that now corporations are looking for one mess up from a spokesperson to drop them like a bad habit. I am not saying that their actions are not warranted, but Kate Moss got a whole plethora of new deals after she did some heavy-duty drugs. Everyone’s just looking for places to save money. 

I don't know what you are doing for Valentine's but I left little hearts around the house with little gifts that I got Roo. This one was my fav.

And from a source who wishes to remain anonymous, some more dirt of the Chris Brown Riri thing - Well, I also heard he has a history of being violent, too. My take is they had been drinking, he got a phone call from a woman he is rumored to be cheating on Rihanna with (read this somewhere), Rihanna saw the phone, got pissed, started screaming, grabbed his phone, hit him on the side of the head (I’d hit his ass over the head, too. How dare he answer that call. Especially right in front of her!), he pulled over, she threw his keys out of the car, so he went looking for them and couldn’t find them, came back and beat her ass. RiRi put up a fight too. She’s an island girl and they do not play. I heard they had been broken up for two weeks, and last week all the blogs had been pictures of him in Europe with another woman (Trey Songz ex-fiancé to be exact) and Rihanna was in the US, saw the pics and was very upset. They come as a branded item, so they decided to do the Grammy’s together for publicity sake, but Chris was over the relationship and Rihanna was not over it. - We take celebrities seriously around here. 

Um…er…I don’t know, but I want one.

 

Mikey Likes It –

Still not feeling hot, so my brother tried to cheer me up. Here’s where we ended up. 

Move on over Shock Tarts, I’m all grow’d up! I subsequently now have Valentine’s plans.  Skittles Vodka Tutorial - Infusing vodka with Skittles is a very popular trend right now. There are a couple of different ways to do it. My way involves separating all the Skittles into their separate flavors and making five different bottles of Skittles vodka. If this man did it with Jelly Bellys I’d lose my s***. 

I have to lego, my phone’s ringin!

It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.

Let’s see, I can only breathe out of my left nostril, went to bed at 9:30 last night and this morning my fat a** was greeted by ice this morning as the icy speed bump (still there) slipped me up. I was like a 5-year-old, looking around for someone to find sympathy on me and then I realized – get up you numbnut! Hurry before the neighbors see you. 

Why you be slipping on that ice girl? Give us a kiss!

Mikey Likes It – Definitely not Rodney

Keebler Elves - it’s a bunch of men living in a house figuring out things to put cheese on.

Seth, becoming the main reason I tune in to SNL. His sketch "RealIy?!?" really is a riot, no really. I echo his thoughts on Phelps. “When your kids say, why can’t I smoke pot? Say you can, as soon as you win 12 gold medals.” “If you’re at a party and you see Michael Phelps smoking a bong, and your first thought isn’t wow I get to party with Michael Phelps, and instead you take a picture and sell it to a tabloid. Then you should take a long hard look in the mirror because you’re a d***. I mean really!” [applause] 

I learned a lot from the Grammy’s last night -

What's in a name? Keanu Reeves evidently. Ne-yo, "a producer named me the Neo of hiphop."

Thank you 60 Minutes reporter Kroft for this beaut - On interviewing Coldplay: "you won't catch this band wearing leather pants or snorting drugs off a stripper's back." Was his last artist interview with Aerosmith back in '70?

Did Whitney hang out with Paula before she came on stage? Helps if your eyes don't stay closed longer than a 1-3 second blink. We start to wonder what your thinking about too.

Boy the Grammy sure pulled the wool over Stevie's eyes. You should have seen the Wonder Brothers. The Jonas brothers combined age wouldn't make them legal to drink, and the fact that those jeans allow them to still jump around defies science. Jay said it best, I don't wear skinny jeans because my knots don't fit. (Cough)

Fierce, Kayne is def bringing back the Theo.

Kenny Chesney keeps more than one thing in his closet. Morgan Freeman and Kenny are best pals?! Seeing him introduce Chesney was like watching Lisa Marie introduce Michael Jackson.

The one time MIA shoulda been, when she was performing live on her due date!

Best performance was, hate to say it, the "rap" pack.

And as much as I hate to talk about it, how can you not go what the Ike is going on? Chris Brown allegedly roughed up Rhinna eh eh eh? Well first I called Sherry Cola to see what really happened, and that took me to Bossip. Looks like before Chris gave Rhinna the smack of love, she gave him “the herp herp.” 

Mikey Likes It – Fetch! Orlando Ultimate. Check it out, register, look at the photo. Wonder why what make frisbee ultimate, etc. 

Gasp! NEVER! 

So somehow Mikey had like the craziest night ever, no really “the most ridiculous night.” I think what started as a casual day at the parks ended up turning into a Smackdown, if you smell what I’m cooking. I do have photo and video of the said “wrestling” event - physical engagement between two people in which each wrestler strives to get an advantage over, or control. of, the opponent. (That’s what you kids are calling it these days.) For the record "I've never watched a gay porn, but I can imagine it involving many of the same aspects of a wrestling match." He sent me pics and video, but since Mikey thinks I’m technologically unsound, you get this – 

But in all seriousness -

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken. MTV is video, and video goes where?

After being outside for a WEEK, this weekend it’s gonna melt.

Phew, thought it was just me.

At Last someone is telling Beyonce what’s up, and it’s none other than the living legend Etta James. Mrs. James was not and doesn't look to be ever ready for Beyonce's jelly. Where was Etta's Obama ball invite? Turns out Etta was not so happy about Beyonce being the single lady singing for the Pres.

"I can't stand Beyoncé," she told a Seattle crowd.

"You know your president, the one with the big ears? He ain't my president—had that woman singing for him at his inauguration. She's going to get her ass whooped...she had no business up there, singing up there on a big ol' president day, gonna be singing my song that I've been singing forever." 

Mikey Likes It – I’ve heard of screwing the pooch, but um? 

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? 'I give up. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'

PREACH IT!

Nobody Expects You To Be A Saint.

Did you know that you don’t have to put up with people you don’t like? Until recently, I had no idea! Turns out, when you get that annoying instant message, you can choose not to respond. When someone stops by your desk to say something shitty, you can choose to fully ignore them. Pop in your headphones even or ask them to leave! They want your attention (obvy, because you’re awesome) but you don’t have to engage them, especially if they get under your skin and fuck up your serenity. Are you worried about their feelings? That’s sweet of you, but I’m worried about yours.

Today remind yourself: Nobody expects me to be a saint. 

I think I work at a daycare because I am surrounded by germies. I now have Zicam boogies. They don't tell you that's a side effect of the med. I don't fully understand the Zicam rhino, but I know that I have that first symptom down. 

All my friends are preggars, well all of my close friends so it feels like all of them. Soon I will be surrounded by my gorgeous, fabulous friends and their tiny little offshoots. The next question you might be thinking is how about moi. How about the baby factory ain’t opening for business anytime soon. TheBestBirthControlofAll lives up to the promise.

  

It’s happening. It’s actually happening. Are soccer moms secretly plotting their world domination and this is phase one?

Mikey Likes It – And this quote is from the best supporting Oscar nom mind you. 

I definitely heart - I LEGO NY. 

I have flaws. What are they? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car.

Me to Andy yesterday morning: it was really cold last night, you turn the heat on?

Andy to me: yes, actually got up and turned it higher.

Flash forward  - yesterday evening

Me to Andy: is the heat working?

Andy to heat: hmm.it's turned off.

That whole 37 degrees really brainwashed us. 

Personally I was quite proud of my 'Phelps is Rosetta Stoned...let the smoke clear' jokey. (Cough) 

For Simpson, er  SNL’s Mom Jeans skit shouldn't be a lesson to anyone. Those jeans were nothing but a lack of friend having ya back. Ken should only offer hair advice missy. My ladies would have pulled those pants off me quicker than a prom date. 

Everyone is chatting about the Christian Bale freak-out on set of the new Terminator movie, too bad nobody bothered to get the scoop on what really happened.  Thank you Aint It Cool for clarifying. Unlike other Hollywood a**hats, Bale hasn’t issued a statement apologizing, or not apologizing. Maybe because 1. He’s a great actor who doesn’t give a rip or 2. He was right to be pissed off. Hmmmm 

The scene in question, was a very emotional and tough scene between Christian Bale and Bryce Howard. A scene that required soul bearing and a deep level of immersive concentration. The sort of scene where everyone on set knows not to get in anyone's eye lines, and definitely not to move lights around while FILMING. You lock that shit down before the scene starts.

Bale had indeed warned the DP on multiple occasions about messing with lights while the cameras were rolling, and Bale was in the midst of a painful scene with Bryce, what was described to me as being the emotional center of the film and his character for the film.

Now, the reason I know all of this is because the person that was there, felt that it should be made perfectly clear that Christian Bale was the utmost gentleman and cool guy on set. And the DP really was doing something that professional DPs with experience just don't do. Not during a performance. 

Mikey Likes It – This will rock your socks off. 

I feel like it should be warmer when we talk about this, but move over pumpkin, watermelon carving is where it’s at. That has got to be the stickiest fiasco. (twss) 

Someone is seriously obsessed with the new FOC season. For you, enjoy the sweet sugar lumps.

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshi*.

Spring negotiation training is upon us. You know the economy is bad when Manny will still prob balk at the 1 Year 25 mill deal. The recession seems to find salvation in pro athletes. I guess being asked to be the second highest paid player in MLB in just insulting. Analysts tell the Man to hold to a one-year deal in hopes that the economy comes bounces back next year – phew that way he really gets the boat of cash he deserves, right. How can one man and a 20-person entourage live off that, ppphft insulting.

When we are under another cold as b**** warning, I bundle up and walk my puffy little pastry up to my local cupcake conglomerate The Cupcake Station and grab something I like about Michigan- their bumpies. Grab a bumpy if ya got one! A Michigan Bumpy is a onmonomnom white chocolate cake with white cream bumps in the frosting. I don’t know how to explain it but the taste is phenomenal. And hates sweets but lurves him some of this cupacake!

You know that scene in Bambi when all the creatures come out after winter? That was us for like 5 min when we hit 37 Saturday. If it's going to be 44 and sunny this weekend look for tan lines on Monday. 

Mikey Likes It – Oh Mikey no likey missing the Free Grand Slam giveaways at Denny’s. Too bad you live in the old people capital of the world, they have been rooty tooty and had this circled on the Retirement Home activities calendar for months!

Eyemuffs Norak. Sometimes you need a good harsh word to get that point across. More overstated than “Choo Choo Choose Me.” Check out other cards here. 

Let’s face it, I live with someone that graduated from Georgia Tech. The GSAT: The Geek Social Aptitude Test is a serious living in mom’s basement kind of guy.  

11. Almost all of my jokes are actually just catchphrases or references to The Simpsons, Family Guy, Borat, or any other popular comedic film or show. – eek don’t look at my blog post titles!

43. I wear sweatpants more than any other type of pants. – but if they were Sean Jean brand it wouldn’t be a big deal!

[on coffee] I love how it makes me feel. It's like my heart is trying to hug my brain!

Open letter from Nike to Nadal- 

Mr red ninja turtle Rafael Nadal,

We as a company are pleased to be your proud sponsor. Unfortunately, sales of your manpris and beater tops have taken a significant dump dive in the fourth quarter. It is at the request of straight men and decent women everywhere that we require your compliance to wear sleeves and shorts that make you look like you play professional tennis, not instruct Pilates on a Carnival Cruise.

Cheers,

Swooshy Wooshy 

The Australian Open was some of the best tennis I have seen, period. Makes me pumped for the rest of the season. Fed and Nadal’s nail-biting match was one for the books. It was Fed’s to lose.  Roo and I almost watched the big match live - we fell asleep right before the big Fish Enchanted Under the Sea dance in Back to the Future. MJ, totally forgot what a quality actor he was. 

And then there was this little game on, the Super Bowl.  The commercials were more boring this year than in past. Alec’s Hulu was one of my fav. Was that the Boss at halftime? Not half bad my man! Looking good too, kudos to your surgeon. Although Silvio was distracting me. Is he hiding a full head of great hair under there? Can’t hate either team, but I am a big Ben gal myself. Every university hopes to see the day when players announce the school from which they came. One “playa” said Swagger! Swagger U?! Kudos to you, playa talking- keeping it real-school shout out guy. Bud Light commercial here I come. School shout out means educational establishment, not insert rap lyrics. And Obama’s team won. Change is truly upon us. 

For my little gaga-

Mikey Likes It – Whaaaaaaat’s This?! There’s Lego in the air! We bring you - Jack Skellegoton. 

This dragon cake makes Duff look like a little sissy. Considering I somehow epic failed at Angel Food Cake last night - long story - this is one tasty feat.